Dilemma

Well, Now I've really done it. Sometimes it's better to hurt someone's feelings and say what you need to say, than stay silent and miserable.
We are moving house. Not far, just around the corner, into an OK apartment that overlooks a park and has three balconies, and two bathrooms. The bedroom that I have been assigned is really small, I doubt that I will have much room to maneuver after I add the bed, my TV, and a lamp. I won't be able to fit a bedside table in, nor will I be able to put the bed any place I want. It looks like the coffin position is the only way it will fit.
Now, the size of my room is not a problem. I really don't care how big the room is. What is bothering me is the fact that I agreed, through non-disclosure, to continue to live with my brother. Who is also my boss.
Is it not enough that I work for him, five days a week, minimum 9 hours per day, no RDO's, and (obviously) no fake sickies? Do I not put up with my job description changing from week to week? Do I not have to deal with all of the accounts, including managing the debtors and the creditors(which has given me more grey hairs)?
No, it is not, I also have to live with him. And I am supposed to be grateful.
I am supposed to WANT to work 9 hour days, and put up with people lying to me about the cheque being in the mail. I am supposed to WANT more responsibility, I am supposed to give a damn whether the business fails or makes a million dollars. And why am I supposed to CARE? Because it is my brother's business, and I OWE him.
Well, forgive me for being callous, but I really couldn't give a shit whether the business succeeds or goes belly up. I called my brother out of the blue, distraught and lost, when I split with my last man (one of those erroneous choices I made), I don't recall saying that I wanted a job, (with responsibility, and with the least margin for error) in fact, he graciously (or so I thought at the time) offered me a place to stay and a job.
Now I OWE him. I OWE him for the fact that he offered me a job and a place to stay, I OWE him because he generously charges me minimal rent, I OWE him because I made erroneous choices.
Even if this paranoia is only in my head, I know that somewhere, someone is keeping score. And I will never be able to pay back what I OWE.
Looking at it from the outside, I could be called an ungrateful bitch. You don't know what it's like on the inside.
Every time he buys something, I OWE him a little bit more.
See, if I wasn't such a loser at picking potential mates, I wouldn't be in this predicament. If I had stuck to Uni and graduated (at any of the three courses I started), I wouldn't be in this predicament. If I had led a boring conventional life, married somebody I don't love and had kids that I don't want, I wouldn't be in this predicament.
Instead of traveling the East coast of Australia for two years, I should have been saving my money to build a successful business in some city that I hate.
I feel that I am being compared to him and his success with everyday that I wake up. So, living in the same house, where I know that he is so far from perfect is really making me unhappy.
So, now I am stuck living with him, again/still. It will be me that didn't use my full ESP potential to see what the Boss was thinking and act on those wonderful ideas.



God, all that I wrote here was drivel. My life isn't so bad. I feel lonely but I could try harder to fix that.

I paid my rego a whole month early, a year ago that would have been ridiculous. I still have a little way to go, but in the past year I have paid off my car, (she's all mine, YAY) paid off my stupid, quick-runawaaaay... debts, and will finally be able to get my bike here and be a chick biker, just like I always dreamed.

I hate moving, yet have been moving since I moved out of home. Shifting all our stuff around the corner isn't so bad.
I just want to be alone. And yet I don't. Kinda ironic that I feel lonely, but don't make people my friends. I would rather live by myself, or with the person I am currently loving.