And it all comes crashing down...
I am finally free of my guilt over my living arrangements. I finally became so aggressive and nasty that my brother kicked me out. I have one month to save enough money to move out. Just lucky that I have a swag and a pot, I can always steal enough plastic cutlery to furnish the kitchen.
It's kind of funny. I have lived in lots of different places in Australia, by myself and with others, and I have no household goods whatsoever. Everytime I run away, I leave everything behind and end up broke, homeless and very alone. The only things that I have managed to keep are some very tattered books, my doona/blankets, and that's about it. The last few times I have run away, I managed to get to keep my car as well. I have walked out on at least 5 furnished houses and even left a PA along the way. I have left dogs and cats, CD's(which hurts a lot) and whitegoods. Everytime I have to start all over again I end up paying for it twice. I beat myself up for being such a loser, punish myself by not eating(stress reaction) and also have no possessions with which to start afresh.
I am basically back where I started all those years ago when I first left Mum and Dad, only I have seen a lot more of the world and its people.
Surely there will come a time when I am forced to take control and face my mistakes without running away. Only, it seems to be much easier to try to hide from it all. I don't know if that makes me a coward, or if it just shows how much I hate confrontation. Then again, it really shows that I make bad choices when it comes to men.
My most comforting thought about all the things I have left behind over the years is that no matter what happens to me, or where I go, I will never lose my tattoos. One of the reasons that I got my tatts (besides that I enjoy the process) is that they are mine forever and can never be taken away while I am still alive. After I die, I would like it if they could take those pretty pictures off and display them somewhere as "living art", that would be so cool.
My Mum is coming to visit. She is going to be staying for a week or more. I love my mum, she knows everything and she is a great cook.
10 days before christmas last year, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was put on the short list for hospital and had her breast removed the Wednesday before christmas day. By Friday, she was itching to be out of there and we took her home. Christmas day she was fine, not even a little bit sore. She didn't have any pain killers, and seemed to be coping with the whole thing very well. Now she is doing the chemo thing and that is having more of an effect on her than the actual loss of the breast. She has no problem with losing her hair, she shaved it all off last week, but she appears to be a bit depressed.
I can understand why. My mum and dad have had the oddest relationship for a lot of years now. My dad thinks of no one but himself, but not really. He doesn't think of the little things that count, yet will go and buy mum really expensive jewellery for her birthday. Mum doesn't like my dad, at all. They shouldn't be together, but don't have any idea what they would do with out each other. I thought the breast cancer thing would make dad a bit more sensitive, but it didn't happen.
Dad really likes tractors, he is trying to spennd what little inheritance we thought we'd get on "antique" tractors. He now has 6, and is in the Tractor Club. Even if I could describe him, you wouldn't believe it unless you saw it for yourself.
I think that insanity runs in our family. My dad has had some serously manic/depressive interluds over the past two to three years, mum is depressed most of the time, my brother has a case of paranoia(every one is out to get him), and my other brother has a case of Narcissism. I get depressed and angry a lot, but it isn't someting that I can control, and my anger is supressed, which is probably why I get depressed.
On a lighter note, I have been getting some lately from a babe!!!! It has taken me a year to finally get him to go out with me, and we are having lots of fun, and lots of sex. I may not be so angry or depressed while this lasts.
It's a weird thing, when you have sex on tap - IE a regular partner - you turn it down so often, but when there's no end in sight to the drought - IE single - you miss it more than you thought you could.
Well, here I am at work, 6:10pm, an interview booked that is running late, and I don't look like getting out of here for at least another two hours. I am really sick of these long days. I think I am going to demand some remuneration for the extra hours that I have done, only for the last two weeks though, I'll be holding the others back for another time when I really want something.
Now that I have some quiet time to write what I want, I can't think of anything that I want to write about.
It's kind of funny. I have lived in lots of different places in Australia, by myself and with others, and I have no household goods whatsoever. Everytime I run away, I leave everything behind and end up broke, homeless and very alone. The only things that I have managed to keep are some very tattered books, my doona/blankets, and that's about it. The last few times I have run away, I managed to get to keep my car as well. I have walked out on at least 5 furnished houses and even left a PA along the way. I have left dogs and cats, CD's(which hurts a lot) and whitegoods. Everytime I have to start all over again I end up paying for it twice. I beat myself up for being such a loser, punish myself by not eating(stress reaction) and also have no possessions with which to start afresh.
I am basically back where I started all those years ago when I first left Mum and Dad, only I have seen a lot more of the world and its people.
Surely there will come a time when I am forced to take control and face my mistakes without running away. Only, it seems to be much easier to try to hide from it all. I don't know if that makes me a coward, or if it just shows how much I hate confrontation. Then again, it really shows that I make bad choices when it comes to men.
My most comforting thought about all the things I have left behind over the years is that no matter what happens to me, or where I go, I will never lose my tattoos. One of the reasons that I got my tatts (besides that I enjoy the process) is that they are mine forever and can never be taken away while I am still alive. After I die, I would like it if they could take those pretty pictures off and display them somewhere as "living art", that would be so cool.
My Mum is coming to visit. She is going to be staying for a week or more. I love my mum, she knows everything and she is a great cook.
10 days before christmas last year, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was put on the short list for hospital and had her breast removed the Wednesday before christmas day. By Friday, she was itching to be out of there and we took her home. Christmas day she was fine, not even a little bit sore. She didn't have any pain killers, and seemed to be coping with the whole thing very well. Now she is doing the chemo thing and that is having more of an effect on her than the actual loss of the breast. She has no problem with losing her hair, she shaved it all off last week, but she appears to be a bit depressed.
I can understand why. My mum and dad have had the oddest relationship for a lot of years now. My dad thinks of no one but himself, but not really. He doesn't think of the little things that count, yet will go and buy mum really expensive jewellery for her birthday. Mum doesn't like my dad, at all. They shouldn't be together, but don't have any idea what they would do with out each other. I thought the breast cancer thing would make dad a bit more sensitive, but it didn't happen.
Dad really likes tractors, he is trying to spennd what little inheritance we thought we'd get on "antique" tractors. He now has 6, and is in the Tractor Club. Even if I could describe him, you wouldn't believe it unless you saw it for yourself.
I think that insanity runs in our family. My dad has had some serously manic/depressive interluds over the past two to three years, mum is depressed most of the time, my brother has a case of paranoia(every one is out to get him), and my other brother has a case of Narcissism. I get depressed and angry a lot, but it isn't someting that I can control, and my anger is supressed, which is probably why I get depressed.
On a lighter note, I have been getting some lately from a babe!!!! It has taken me a year to finally get him to go out with me, and we are having lots of fun, and lots of sex. I may not be so angry or depressed while this lasts.
It's a weird thing, when you have sex on tap - IE a regular partner - you turn it down so often, but when there's no end in sight to the drought - IE single - you miss it more than you thought you could.
Well, here I am at work, 6:10pm, an interview booked that is running late, and I don't look like getting out of here for at least another two hours. I am really sick of these long days. I think I am going to demand some remuneration for the extra hours that I have done, only for the last two weeks though, I'll be holding the others back for another time when I really want something.
Now that I have some quiet time to write what I want, I can't think of anything that I want to write about.
posted by Movin'on at 4:04 PM
1 Comments:
Wish I was getting some...
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