Just what I think...
I wonder, about a lot of things really, but this week I have this on my mind.
Do the women out there that are naturally beautiful know how envious I am of them? No, probably not, they wouldn't be looking my way for the gorgeous guys flocking around them. It surely must be easier to get through life when you are beautiful.
I remember, I actually remember things from so far back it's scary.
I remember when I was in Kindergarten and the girls all played kiss chasy with the boys, where they pretended to scream and fight them off, but loved it when they were caught. See, I tried to play, but I NEVER got chased, and therefore never got caught. I would run around, giggling and trying to get the boys to want to chase me, but they didn't. I am not pretty, and have never been pretty.
There are few photographs of me. I am 34 and I probably have no more than 25 photos of me from throughout my life. I have my kindergarten photo, and can name almost all of the kids in it.
I still get cars slowing down so that the guys can bark at me. I remember clearly the guy that said "Fuck, you're ugly" right after I finished playing a lead role in our high school play. I think that the play might have been good, maybe I was good, but I remember what that guy said and not much else about the whole thing. I was at an outdoor concert and this guy turns to me and says, "Wow, you have a big nose". I can rmemebr what both of those guys look like, how they talked, the scene. I never had a boyfriend at school.
All my memories are of things and times and places that hurt me, of when I was stupid, and ugly, or drunk.
I am a drunk. To be truthful, I am an alcoholic. I have had a problem with alcohol since the first time I picked up a bottle at the age of 14. I drank myself almost into a coma the first time, and have been doing it over and over again ever since. I drink when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm bored, when I'm socialising, when I'm hiding, alone, with people, at the pub, at the beach, any where, any time it's there, I have to have a drink. I cannot say no, nor can I have just one. I must drink until I am drunk. Not always stumbling and mumbling, but a lot of times. I have embarrassed my friends, my parents, my boyfriends, and myself. I have been taken advantage of, woken up in strange beds and with strange men. I have woken up with such severe hangovers that I have had to go to the hospital for an intravenous drip. I have blurred so many memories, yet I can remember times where I made a complete dick of myself. I have been so drunk I have pee'd the bed. I have slept in gutters, on front lawns, with the dog.
I have only driven really drunk once, and there would have been few times I was close to or over the limit. I was smart, don't drive or you can't drink. Make sure you get a cab to where you need to go, stuff some money on your shoe, or sock so you have enough to get home. I didn't want to hurt anyone else or lose my licence, so I avoided taking my car anywhere. I bought a ute, with only two seats so I couldn't be the designated driver. I hid my drinks so it looked like I only had one or two, I shouted at the bar so I could get a tequila shot in while I was there. I would hide in my room and drink cider so it didn't matter if it got warm. I mostly lived by myself so people couldn't see what I was like.
I really don't like myself. I don't like the person I am. I don't like the way I act. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the fact that I am an alcoholic. I don't like the way I talk, what I say, my eyes, my big nose, my blotchy skin, my mousy hair, the shape of my body.
I hate having to be this all the time. I hate having to be me each day.
I haven't had a drink since last Sunday night, one week. I was at the pub and drinking with the guys there - they aren't my friends, they're just people that drink with me - and I was told that I did something that is so abhorrent to me that I couldn't believe that I had done it. I got up and walked out. I came home and sat in the shower and sobbed for a half hour, and scrubbed myself with a brush until my skin was red and sore.
I don't remember doing that thing, I don't even remember the night it happened. It was one of many nights that I have sat in that pub and got drunk.
I don't want to be the old lady that sits at the bar and drinks and makes a fool of herself night after night.
Besides that I'm ugly, who would want to put up with this?
I have sat and thought, "Why can't I keep a boyfriend/job/frind/money?" and the answer has been alcohol all along.
I get drunk in front of someone, and they see what a dick I really am. Then I avoid seeing them again so that I don't have to face the enbarrassment. Not really the best way to get or keep friends.
I can remember all the times that I fucked up. Where I fell off the bar stool, when I passed out at the wedding receptions, where I drop glass after glass, where I went to the toilet and fell over and couldn't get up for 15 minutes or more. I woke up with bruises, sprains, even concussion. I woke up with cuts on my face that should have been stitched, blood everywhere, and no recollection.
My life as a drunk is horrible, and I can't find anywhere to run away to. As soon as I get there I ruin everything by going and getting drunk, then my act is all over. People see the real me and I know it's ugly and unlikeable.
I keep trying to find a place where no one knows who I am, or where I come from, or the real drunk under the facade. AND I KEEP ON RUINING EVERYTHING.
I am so sick of it. I will dry out for a while, then go back to thinking I can handle it, I can have a couple without going too far. Then before you know it, the drunk is back.
This is killing me.
You know, I think that one of the reasons I say I don't want kids is because I know that a drunk can't be trusted to look after them.
Fuck this shit.
Do the women out there that are naturally beautiful know how envious I am of them? No, probably not, they wouldn't be looking my way for the gorgeous guys flocking around them. It surely must be easier to get through life when you are beautiful.
I remember, I actually remember things from so far back it's scary.
I remember when I was in Kindergarten and the girls all played kiss chasy with the boys, where they pretended to scream and fight them off, but loved it when they were caught. See, I tried to play, but I NEVER got chased, and therefore never got caught. I would run around, giggling and trying to get the boys to want to chase me, but they didn't. I am not pretty, and have never been pretty.
There are few photographs of me. I am 34 and I probably have no more than 25 photos of me from throughout my life. I have my kindergarten photo, and can name almost all of the kids in it.
I still get cars slowing down so that the guys can bark at me. I remember clearly the guy that said "Fuck, you're ugly" right after I finished playing a lead role in our high school play. I think that the play might have been good, maybe I was good, but I remember what that guy said and not much else about the whole thing. I was at an outdoor concert and this guy turns to me and says, "Wow, you have a big nose". I can rmemebr what both of those guys look like, how they talked, the scene. I never had a boyfriend at school.
All my memories are of things and times and places that hurt me, of when I was stupid, and ugly, or drunk.
I am a drunk. To be truthful, I am an alcoholic. I have had a problem with alcohol since the first time I picked up a bottle at the age of 14. I drank myself almost into a coma the first time, and have been doing it over and over again ever since. I drink when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm bored, when I'm socialising, when I'm hiding, alone, with people, at the pub, at the beach, any where, any time it's there, I have to have a drink. I cannot say no, nor can I have just one. I must drink until I am drunk. Not always stumbling and mumbling, but a lot of times. I have embarrassed my friends, my parents, my boyfriends, and myself. I have been taken advantage of, woken up in strange beds and with strange men. I have woken up with such severe hangovers that I have had to go to the hospital for an intravenous drip. I have blurred so many memories, yet I can remember times where I made a complete dick of myself. I have been so drunk I have pee'd the bed. I have slept in gutters, on front lawns, with the dog.
I have only driven really drunk once, and there would have been few times I was close to or over the limit. I was smart, don't drive or you can't drink. Make sure you get a cab to where you need to go, stuff some money on your shoe, or sock so you have enough to get home. I didn't want to hurt anyone else or lose my licence, so I avoided taking my car anywhere. I bought a ute, with only two seats so I couldn't be the designated driver. I hid my drinks so it looked like I only had one or two, I shouted at the bar so I could get a tequila shot in while I was there. I would hide in my room and drink cider so it didn't matter if it got warm. I mostly lived by myself so people couldn't see what I was like.
I really don't like myself. I don't like the person I am. I don't like the way I act. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the fact that I am an alcoholic. I don't like the way I talk, what I say, my eyes, my big nose, my blotchy skin, my mousy hair, the shape of my body.
I hate having to be this all the time. I hate having to be me each day.
I haven't had a drink since last Sunday night, one week. I was at the pub and drinking with the guys there - they aren't my friends, they're just people that drink with me - and I was told that I did something that is so abhorrent to me that I couldn't believe that I had done it. I got up and walked out. I came home and sat in the shower and sobbed for a half hour, and scrubbed myself with a brush until my skin was red and sore.
I don't remember doing that thing, I don't even remember the night it happened. It was one of many nights that I have sat in that pub and got drunk.
I don't want to be the old lady that sits at the bar and drinks and makes a fool of herself night after night.
Besides that I'm ugly, who would want to put up with this?
I have sat and thought, "Why can't I keep a boyfriend/job/frind/money?" and the answer has been alcohol all along.
I get drunk in front of someone, and they see what a dick I really am. Then I avoid seeing them again so that I don't have to face the enbarrassment. Not really the best way to get or keep friends.
I can remember all the times that I fucked up. Where I fell off the bar stool, when I passed out at the wedding receptions, where I drop glass after glass, where I went to the toilet and fell over and couldn't get up for 15 minutes or more. I woke up with bruises, sprains, even concussion. I woke up with cuts on my face that should have been stitched, blood everywhere, and no recollection.
My life as a drunk is horrible, and I can't find anywhere to run away to. As soon as I get there I ruin everything by going and getting drunk, then my act is all over. People see the real me and I know it's ugly and unlikeable.
I keep trying to find a place where no one knows who I am, or where I come from, or the real drunk under the facade. AND I KEEP ON RUINING EVERYTHING.
I am so sick of it. I will dry out for a while, then go back to thinking I can handle it, I can have a couple without going too far. Then before you know it, the drunk is back.
This is killing me.
You know, I think that one of the reasons I say I don't want kids is because I know that a drunk can't be trusted to look after them.
Fuck this shit.
posted by Movin'on at 9:44 AM
1 Comments:
Do you realize that no one, NO ONE is ugly.
I dont care who you are or what you think you look like. NO ONE is ugly. Every single person alive on this earth has something beautiful about them. Some trait, some feature... that is pretty.
I bet you do too.
You just don't see it. But you are.
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