Options abound.....

Again I am in dilemma. I don't know how I manage to keep getting myself into these situations.
I have applied for a job at the cruisy club I have been working at on weekends. There is an opening for the bar managers position, and I threw my hat into the ring. I really don't care either way if I get the job or not, but I think it would be easier if I just up and run away. If I stay, I will have to find another place to live - and I've already had the lowdown on that situation - it's not going to happen unless I find someone to share with. If I stay, I will have to break up with MCITG. If I stay I won't have another chance with my ex. If I stay, I have to put up with the freezing cold weather that I hate. If I stay......fuck - why does everything have to be so complicated and yet it's a simple yes/no situation. I have been looking for jobs elsewhere, I don't really have enough experience in admin to get a full time job, I am not "polished" enough to get a simple reception job. I am old enough to know that the younger girls are the first choice for bar jobs - experience or not. I know I seem pessimistic, but I have been through all this before so many times that I don't want to face all those impending rejections.
I want to get back with my ex, but only if we work at the whole relationship thing and approach it differently. I feel like I have been given a second chance with him, and since we have a lot in common(and he is 8 years younger than me - woo hoo) I think we could make a go of it so long as we set the rules and aim for the same thing.
Now, MCITG has been coming around to see me, and doesn't seem to be as hung up as he was, but I know that isn't ready to commit to me - I think that being with me has been a healing experience for him, and that he will get over his hang ups in time, now that he has seen that he has options, and won't be struck down by lightning if he has a good time. It's just getting hard to see him and know that I am not "the one" for him. Don't get me wrong, I would like to be, but I am the stepping stone for him to get on with his life and start to enjoy things again. That, in itself, makes me feel good. That maybe I had something to do with helping him slay the demons in his head.
I am sad that I am not the type of girl guys want to settle down with (not that I have ever wanted to settle down anyway) but one day I want to be the girl that a guy doesn't want to live without. I should be happy that I once had that intense surreal "happily ever after" experience with someone - but I don't really know if that ever would have happened. If he hadn't died, if things were different, if we had time to play out the whole thing, would happily ever after really have been? I wonder how long we would have gone on before I fucked that up and he left me just like all the others. I wish I had died that day, not him. I wish that the whole wide world had a chance to experience his intelligence and beauty and love him just a fraction as much as I still do. He would have loved the net, he would be an IT guy by now, raking in millions, he would have loved blogging. He just didn't get his chance to live it out, instead I did. That's just not fair - he was the one that deserved to be here - he had so much to give the world - he should have been here.
I don't know if I will ever get over him, and I don't know if I want to, I am so grateful to have been loved by him, and to have been allowed to love him, but what if? Would we have that big house and the kids he wanted? Would we have still been playing in a band together? Would he still be in love with me, like I still am with him?
So many what if's....

Here's a few more questions I have. If cells are supposed to have genetic memory, then do my cells have a memory of when the world began? If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, then when we die, what is the reaction to the cessation of life - where does the electricity of our bodies go? Is the soul an action of life? If so, then is there an equal and opposite reaction to the soul upon death? When I put on weight, is it really someone else's weight that has been lost, and found by me?

I don't know how I come up with these questions, I do think about them and ponder the existence of life, and why.

Anyway, options have arisen and I don't know which way to turn......