Who really gives a shit?

The whole point is to get through life knowing that someone actually gives a shit about what you do or say. It doesn't really even matter if they are disapproving, at least there is feelings involved.

I don't know that anyone really cares about anything I do or say. Does that make me a non entity? Does it then matter if I live or die?

I have not made a mark on anybody or anything. I do not matter, noone cares, not even me.

I keep on doing all the same stupid meaningless things, just in a different place. I'm so f-ing angry, and sad all at the same time. I don't want to be either. I want to be normal.

What is normal? I have been asked this question a few times, and I never really know how to answer.

Here's a list
To not be unhappy all of the time
To feel pretty
To feel happy
To be liked by people
To be loved wholeheartedly by someone as much as I love them, and not to fuck it up
To be able to speak without sounding like I know everything
To be able to speak softly
To not be aggressive
To not have to drink
To not have to take drugs
To not have to have sex with someone who shows a little interest
To be able to look at myself in the mirror without cringing
To be able to sit and not think such destructive things

Things I want to achieve:

To be truly happy in myself
To exercise and be fit
To be drug free
To be debt free
To travel
to be real

There's so much I need to do to get anywhere near these things, and I don't know why I am starting out on this journey so late in my life, and I don't know if I can do it on my own. I also don't have anyone to help me get through this because I can't tell anyone or then they'll all known how much of a fraud I am.

This is a paraox, and ironic too.

I do believe in Karma, and I want to make mine good, but I don't know how much harm I've done and how I go about rectifying all of that. Especially since I want to do such horrible things now.

Am I looking for religion? Am I looking for recognition? Am I looking for success? Am I looking for love? Or purpose? Or meaning?

Wouldn't it be better to be ignorant? To not have to have a reason for being here. To just be for the sake of being?