Sinking slowly..........
I have a huge black eye - I did it to myself by smacking my head on the wall in my room - not even on purpose - and it's all swollen and blue and yellow.
My hearts bruised, MCITG dumped me - again - yesterday. He can't get over the guilt. He seems to think that having sex with me is somehow betraying the MARRIED chick. I mean she's married. It seems that he told her about me and she got jealous. She won't leave her husband for him, but he's not allowed to have a life of his own.
I couldn't help myself, I lost it and told him how selfish this bitch is. I told him that he deserves to be happy, and if she won't help him with that, then she doesn't truly care about him. I told him to go to her and tell her that he wants to marry her, and see if she'll leave her husband for him. I told him that he shouldn't have to wait for happiness, I told him that I'm not gonna give up on our friendship because some chick is jealous. I told him I thought she was using him, and that I am here for him if he wants to talk.
Then I walked inside, shut the door, and howled. I paced and cursed and screamed and then I simply lay on my bed shaking and howling - knowing that there was no one in this entire world that really gives a shit. I cut myself too, just to see blood flow, make the pain a tangible visual thing.
I think I am truly insane and don't know what to do. Each day I pretend to be Ok, coping with everything, and each day I get further into the blackness that is engulfing me, enveloping me, smothering me. It's like a quick sand, it's easier to not struggle against it. Like letting go of a raft that you've been clinging to in the middle of the ocean, and sinking slowly into the water because you're just too tired to hold on anymore.
I'm tired, too tired, I can't hang on much longer, and I'm not sure I want to, I want nothingness.
My hearts bruised, MCITG dumped me - again - yesterday. He can't get over the guilt. He seems to think that having sex with me is somehow betraying the MARRIED chick. I mean she's married. It seems that he told her about me and she got jealous. She won't leave her husband for him, but he's not allowed to have a life of his own.
I couldn't help myself, I lost it and told him how selfish this bitch is. I told him that he deserves to be happy, and if she won't help him with that, then she doesn't truly care about him. I told him to go to her and tell her that he wants to marry her, and see if she'll leave her husband for him. I told him that he shouldn't have to wait for happiness, I told him that I'm not gonna give up on our friendship because some chick is jealous. I told him I thought she was using him, and that I am here for him if he wants to talk.
Then I walked inside, shut the door, and howled. I paced and cursed and screamed and then I simply lay on my bed shaking and howling - knowing that there was no one in this entire world that really gives a shit. I cut myself too, just to see blood flow, make the pain a tangible visual thing.
I think I am truly insane and don't know what to do. Each day I pretend to be Ok, coping with everything, and each day I get further into the blackness that is engulfing me, enveloping me, smothering me. It's like a quick sand, it's easier to not struggle against it. Like letting go of a raft that you've been clinging to in the middle of the ocean, and sinking slowly into the water because you're just too tired to hold on anymore.
I'm tired, too tired, I can't hang on much longer, and I'm not sure I want to, I want nothingness.
posted by Movin'on at 8:39 PM
3 Comments:
mmm quicksand. That stuff is fun, all sucky and squishy. *smiles*
You know what I did yesterday after the powerade? I walked into the bar, looked around and couldn't instantly see anyone, turned around and got on a tram and went home to bed. It was all a bit hard with my sore head.
At least I didn't crack it open though. I hope it's not too sore.
(Sigh)...
You just won't let yourself be happy, M.O. ...
You know you have friends right here in Melbourne that can try to help you with anything. If you want to chose to ignore them then that's up to you...
Cheer up lass,
...and if you're not going to lean on Ian and others you know, you should REALLY think about what makes you happy and do more of it. There's nothing better than indulging in an outlet that you enjoy for yourself.
I qualify this by pointing out (the obvious) that come Monday 9am, you should switch focus to the task of working for money to support one's whims...
Make the most of what you have.
m!key
Post a Comment
<< Home