I gotta get out of this place

I didn't get much sleep again last night. I'm not sure how I got to here, but it's not the best place to be. I don't know what's really happening to me. One day I feel like I can cope with anything, the next, I can hardly breathe and my heart feels like it's racing - only it's not - and I want to run away.
I don't know how anyone copes with feelings like these. Where is the person from yesterday? I thought I had it licked yesterday, I was on the mend, but today I'm a mess again. I'm going to try staying at someone elses tomorrow, and see if that helps. I want to be normal, no more waking up in a state of panic, not able to get back to sleep. I'm tired, so tired, and I just want to get some sleep.
I don't want to have to take drugs to sleep, I love sleep, I've managed some marathon efforts in my time. Don't take that away from me. Without sleep, I will turn to drugs and alcohol for escape, and that's what I've been trying to stop.
Maybe it's something else, maybe I really am sick, and the doctors will be able to find out what it is and cure me. Yeah, and pigs will grow wings and fly.
Is any of this helping me? Can I change? Will I change? What do I need to be able to change? Can I buy it? Can I just find it? What, and how does this happen?
I hate my life, and I hate me. Why would anything make me ever like myself? Other people don't like me, so why would I?

Guns and rednecks

I went to the local gun range this weekend, and I am seriously thinking about joining up. The cute fella showed me around, and explained how it all works, and what you need to be able to shoot and own a gun. It is hideously expensive, but that's to stop just anyone from being able to own a gun, but it's close by, and I need to belong to some clubs. A gun club, why not?

I've turned the corner, and I'm going to be ok. It still hurts, but more than anything, I want to get out of here. Everything with the other boy is going to plan, he's treating me right, and is fun to hang out with, and he knows that I'm not committing to anything right away, so we both have space.

We're going on a road trip this weekend, haven't decided where to yet, but so long as I'm away from this place, it will be great. I can't wait to move out, and the sooner I do that, the better.

I also stopped taking the xanax, it was way too scary when I missed one and wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. I know I've been going through a rough patch, but that didn't help at all.

So, cruising along ok for today, will have to report more regularly so I can see where the ups and downs are, and if there's any patterns to it. I also need ton stop drinking, that's not helping me cope at all,

Empowerment

I want to go to the gun shooting range this weekend just to see what it's like. I want to know how to handle a fire arm. Not for protection, and not because I'm pro-guns. I want to feel what it's like to have full control over something that is designed to take life away from another human. I want to be able to to revel in the power over a weapon that with my free will could become deadly.

I won't to become an advocate for any political points of view.

This is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and now I am finally going to do it. That is so fantastic. I already feel more powerful, just because I made the decision to just give it a try.

I am hoping to be stress free all weekend. I want to be stress free all weekend. I am so over being depressed, time to move on. In moments like these, I feel strong enough to move the world, but it can crash down hard just when you aren't looking.

Time to sleep.