Another fresh start..........

I have just landed the job as Bar Manager at the club I've been working at. Good pay, easy job, the people seem to like me so far.... I don't know how I manage to land on my feet, but I do.
I accepted the job, and will begin as soon as next week. There are some changes that need to be made there, but to make any progress, I need to go very slowly. How's that for luck, I went and bought some lotto tickets just in case.

Will update later, have to get some work done.

Options abound.....

Again I am in dilemma. I don't know how I manage to keep getting myself into these situations.
I have applied for a job at the cruisy club I have been working at on weekends. There is an opening for the bar managers position, and I threw my hat into the ring. I really don't care either way if I get the job or not, but I think it would be easier if I just up and run away. If I stay, I will have to find another place to live - and I've already had the lowdown on that situation - it's not going to happen unless I find someone to share with. If I stay, I will have to break up with MCITG. If I stay I won't have another chance with my ex. If I stay, I have to put up with the freezing cold weather that I hate. If I stay......fuck - why does everything have to be so complicated and yet it's a simple yes/no situation. I have been looking for jobs elsewhere, I don't really have enough experience in admin to get a full time job, I am not "polished" enough to get a simple reception job. I am old enough to know that the younger girls are the first choice for bar jobs - experience or not. I know I seem pessimistic, but I have been through all this before so many times that I don't want to face all those impending rejections.
I want to get back with my ex, but only if we work at the whole relationship thing and approach it differently. I feel like I have been given a second chance with him, and since we have a lot in common(and he is 8 years younger than me - woo hoo) I think we could make a go of it so long as we set the rules and aim for the same thing.
Now, MCITG has been coming around to see me, and doesn't seem to be as hung up as he was, but I know that isn't ready to commit to me - I think that being with me has been a healing experience for him, and that he will get over his hang ups in time, now that he has seen that he has options, and won't be struck down by lightning if he has a good time. It's just getting hard to see him and know that I am not "the one" for him. Don't get me wrong, I would like to be, but I am the stepping stone for him to get on with his life and start to enjoy things again. That, in itself, makes me feel good. That maybe I had something to do with helping him slay the demons in his head.
I am sad that I am not the type of girl guys want to settle down with (not that I have ever wanted to settle down anyway) but one day I want to be the girl that a guy doesn't want to live without. I should be happy that I once had that intense surreal "happily ever after" experience with someone - but I don't really know if that ever would have happened. If he hadn't died, if things were different, if we had time to play out the whole thing, would happily ever after really have been? I wonder how long we would have gone on before I fucked that up and he left me just like all the others. I wish I had died that day, not him. I wish that the whole wide world had a chance to experience his intelligence and beauty and love him just a fraction as much as I still do. He would have loved the net, he would be an IT guy by now, raking in millions, he would have loved blogging. He just didn't get his chance to live it out, instead I did. That's just not fair - he was the one that deserved to be here - he had so much to give the world - he should have been here.
I don't know if I will ever get over him, and I don't know if I want to, I am so grateful to have been loved by him, and to have been allowed to love him, but what if? Would we have that big house and the kids he wanted? Would we have still been playing in a band together? Would he still be in love with me, like I still am with him?
So many what if's....

Here's a few more questions I have. If cells are supposed to have genetic memory, then do my cells have a memory of when the world began? If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, then when we die, what is the reaction to the cessation of life - where does the electricity of our bodies go? Is the soul an action of life? If so, then is there an equal and opposite reaction to the soul upon death? When I put on weight, is it really someone else's weight that has been lost, and found by me?

I don't know how I come up with these questions, I do think about them and ponder the existence of life, and why.

Anyway, options have arisen and I don't know which way to turn......

Next stop.......

I rang my ex to borrow back the money I gave him to fix up my bike, and he said he'd check and see how much it was, and call me back. I know exactly how much it is, but I wasn't sure how much he's spent already. He calls me back the next day, tells me he's dumped his part time girlfriend, and wants me to go and stay with him for a while. Well, thinks I, well. I don't usually go back, but he can help me get my car fixed up - he likes cars and bikes - and he lives on the way to Byron Bay, where I have to be for Splendour in the Grass coz I've already got my ticket, and I'm going.So, I said OK, I'll go and hang out there, but I want to work when I get there, I'll go when it's time to go, and he has to fix my car. I think he wants something a bit more permanent, but he'll either pack up and come with me, or he'll realise that it didn't work out the first time - he's so much younger than me, I was his first serious girl friend, he has a gambling problem that I can get hooked up in(pokies), he has no license for the next four years, and I was drinking a lot while I was there because I got really depressed.
Who knows, maybe this time we'll have a different thing happening? Either way, I'm really grateful that he's come through for me. He's one of a few people that I know I can count on to help me out if he can. We have been really good friends since we broke up, I've been there for him in times of crisis, and we do have a lot in common.
So, I know a place where I can go to from here. That is a relief. I know I'm going to Byron, but from there, I was just going to drift for a while.
I sang with the band tonight at the place where I work. It is the biggest buzz, especially when you are the barmaid, and no one really knows that you have been a singer in one of your past lives. I just blew everyone away. It's just a pity I did it so late in the night, everyone was really blind, due to the 40 minutes of free drinks that got handed round before the party started. I love doing that, it feels so damn good. Especially with a full band behind you. One of the guys there is a professional photographer and took a few photos, I told him he'd better be a master at photoshop if he expects a halfway decent shot of me out of them. Even the boss - she was drunk as a skunk - came up and threw her arms around me - at which point I get really "PERSONAL SPACE" do you mind? - but it was cool to be able to make people listen to me and take notice in a good way.
Not all attention is good attention. Like when you're trying to avoid being pulled over by the cops in case your car isn't 100% roadworthy and there's a breathalyser in the way - even when you haven't had a drink in a week so you know you'll pass. Or like when you and your new friend are at a pub - two women having a drink, late at night, already pretty pissed - and these dickheads come and sit right down at your table, without asking, and expect to talk to you. I get really direct at this point, often getting myself into trouble. I straight out tell them to go away. It's pretty clear what go away means. Why, then, do they look at you incredulously and stay there. I have had drinks thrown on me, one guy spat at me, and now I just go and find the bouncers to help out, it's much safer that way. Or when you meet someone and they stand really close to you, total invasion of personal space. Drunken hugs and kisses from guys you have served drinks to for the last year or so, just because I serve them drinks, I'm pleasant to them, I let them think they get away with stuff, they think that they have the right to invade your space.
Anyway, I'm home, and I think I might be OK for another day, or until the rush of singing wears off again. I think I become addicted to that rush. It's safer than drugs, cheaper too - sometimes you even get paid to do it.
My black eye is nearly gone now, it was bigger on Monday, but has slowly been getting purple and yellow. No one really noticed it so I didn't have to explain how I walked into a wall, yes, really.
I am hoping to keep blogging on my journey, I want to tell everyone about the beautiful place I live in called Australia. With any luck, all my future stories will be happy ones.

Spirals.......

I can't believe how fast my emotions are moving, I am going up one minute, and straight back down the next. I am really scared of going totally crazy, and being locked up.
I still haven't formulated a plan of action, all I know is that I need to go somewhere. I will try to get as much cash together as I can in the next three to four weeks and make sure my car is running smoothly, then I'll pack and go.
I'm back at the anxious stage, feeling very sick in my gut, and wanting to throw up. Oh, I stepped on the scales last week and I have lost aniother three kilos, I reckon I'll have lost another three by next Friday.
I'm trying to make sense of some of this but it's all still too confronting and confusing.

I'm running....

It finally happened - that something I was expecting arrived - I am no longer waiting to exhale - much has become clear.
I GOT FIRED!!!!
At this moment I am planning my treck across the wide land, running away from this dreary, miserably cold city to the warmth of the tropics.
Amazingly, the news had MCITG in my bed quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson". It might also have been because I kept telling him that if I am leaving, then he no longer has to feel like he is cheating on her, and that I really needed to get some. His guilt when I am gone will be immense, but at least he can go back to denying himself and try to do pennance. I reckon that within a year, MCITG will be in a serious relationship with some very lucky girl. What we had was a cleansing for his soul. It would never have worked out for us - the guilt would always be in the way - but just maybe it's helped him and he'll move on. It's funny, he was trying to talk me into staying here in Melbourne, and that was before I had talked him into staying the night. He's really a sweet guy that deserves to be loved and repected.
My life seems to work in mysterious ways. I have already had a job offer - back in hospitality where I struggled to get the hell out of - and have been checking out jobs on the net.
The only thing about this situation that makes me sad is that I finally found some people that liked me, and wanted to hang out with me, and I have to run away from them and start over.
I'm getting used to starting over, I've done it more times so far in my short existence than most people do in a lifetime. As usual, I have no plan, no where to go, no money, and no skills.
I think I will probably be leaving here in about three weeks. I have tickets to Splendour in the Grass, so I want to be up that way for that, maybe I'll find some work around there.
Maybe I could go and live in a commune? No, I don't get along so well with people. Maybe I'll just fall back into my old line of work, I certainly don't have enough knowledge or experience to pull off an office job.
I do know that this was supposed to happen, I don't know what will happen next, but so long as I drag my ass out of bed in the mornings, things will continue to happen. I just wish I could figure out how to make the things happen that will make me happy.