Parents and Cancer

A few weeks ago I found out my dad has cancer. Two tumours in his bowel. This is totally curable, if he'd been to the doctor a year ago that is. As far as I can tell, he should be able to get over this with some chemo and an operation to remove part of his bowel.
The prognosis is good, however, he has to have all of this done here, in Melbourne. Whilst I love my parents dearly, they are so much easier to love if they are in different states. My mother is a bitch to my dad, and he is a prick right back. Neither of them hear so well, and my mum won't wear the hearing aid we bought her, so they yell all the time, and the TV is so loud it shakes the pictures on the wall.
Neither me nor my brother want them to stay with us. I feel really guilty, they'd never turn their backs on us, so how do we get around this with out having their awful angry presence rub off?
Dad has to be here for 5 weeks while he has the chemotherapy, then they wait for a bit, then they remove the part of his bowel with the tumours. That's going to take over 3 months, and I think I'll end up going crazy if I have to have them in my house for that long. Luckily I don't have a partner, they would run a mile if they had to put up with that for more than a week.

I gotta get out of this place

I didn't get much sleep again last night. I'm not sure how I got to here, but it's not the best place to be. I don't know what's really happening to me. One day I feel like I can cope with anything, the next, I can hardly breathe and my heart feels like it's racing - only it's not - and I want to run away.
I don't know how anyone copes with feelings like these. Where is the person from yesterday? I thought I had it licked yesterday, I was on the mend, but today I'm a mess again. I'm going to try staying at someone elses tomorrow, and see if that helps. I want to be normal, no more waking up in a state of panic, not able to get back to sleep. I'm tired, so tired, and I just want to get some sleep.
I don't want to have to take drugs to sleep, I love sleep, I've managed some marathon efforts in my time. Don't take that away from me. Without sleep, I will turn to drugs and alcohol for escape, and that's what I've been trying to stop.
Maybe it's something else, maybe I really am sick, and the doctors will be able to find out what it is and cure me. Yeah, and pigs will grow wings and fly.
Is any of this helping me? Can I change? Will I change? What do I need to be able to change? Can I buy it? Can I just find it? What, and how does this happen?
I hate my life, and I hate me. Why would anything make me ever like myself? Other people don't like me, so why would I?

Guns and rednecks

I went to the local gun range this weekend, and I am seriously thinking about joining up. The cute fella showed me around, and explained how it all works, and what you need to be able to shoot and own a gun. It is hideously expensive, but that's to stop just anyone from being able to own a gun, but it's close by, and I need to belong to some clubs. A gun club, why not?

I've turned the corner, and I'm going to be ok. It still hurts, but more than anything, I want to get out of here. Everything with the other boy is going to plan, he's treating me right, and is fun to hang out with, and he knows that I'm not committing to anything right away, so we both have space.

We're going on a road trip this weekend, haven't decided where to yet, but so long as I'm away from this place, it will be great. I can't wait to move out, and the sooner I do that, the better.

I also stopped taking the xanax, it was way too scary when I missed one and wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. I know I've been going through a rough patch, but that didn't help at all.

So, cruising along ok for today, will have to report more regularly so I can see where the ups and downs are, and if there's any patterns to it. I also need ton stop drinking, that's not helping me cope at all,

Empowerment

I want to go to the gun shooting range this weekend just to see what it's like. I want to know how to handle a fire arm. Not for protection, and not because I'm pro-guns. I want to feel what it's like to have full control over something that is designed to take life away from another human. I want to be able to to revel in the power over a weapon that with my free will could become deadly.

I won't to become an advocate for any political points of view.

This is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and now I am finally going to do it. That is so fantastic. I already feel more powerful, just because I made the decision to just give it a try.

I am hoping to be stress free all weekend. I want to be stress free all weekend. I am so over being depressed, time to move on. In moments like these, I feel strong enough to move the world, but it can crash down hard just when you aren't looking.

Time to sleep.

Who really gives a shit?

The whole point is to get through life knowing that someone actually gives a shit about what you do or say. It doesn't really even matter if they are disapproving, at least there is feelings involved.

I don't know that anyone really cares about anything I do or say. Does that make me a non entity? Does it then matter if I live or die?

I have not made a mark on anybody or anything. I do not matter, noone cares, not even me.

I keep on doing all the same stupid meaningless things, just in a different place. I'm so f-ing angry, and sad all at the same time. I don't want to be either. I want to be normal.

What is normal? I have been asked this question a few times, and I never really know how to answer.

Here's a list
To not be unhappy all of the time
To feel pretty
To feel happy
To be liked by people
To be loved wholeheartedly by someone as much as I love them, and not to fuck it up
To be able to speak without sounding like I know everything
To be able to speak softly
To not be aggressive
To not have to drink
To not have to take drugs
To not have to have sex with someone who shows a little interest
To be able to look at myself in the mirror without cringing
To be able to sit and not think such destructive things

Things I want to achieve:

To be truly happy in myself
To exercise and be fit
To be drug free
To be debt free
To travel
to be real

There's so much I need to do to get anywhere near these things, and I don't know why I am starting out on this journey so late in my life, and I don't know if I can do it on my own. I also don't have anyone to help me get through this because I can't tell anyone or then they'll all known how much of a fraud I am.

This is a paraox, and ironic too.

I do believe in Karma, and I want to make mine good, but I don't know how much harm I've done and how I go about rectifying all of that. Especially since I want to do such horrible things now.

Am I looking for religion? Am I looking for recognition? Am I looking for success? Am I looking for love? Or purpose? Or meaning?

Wouldn't it be better to be ignorant? To not have to have a reason for being here. To just be for the sake of being?

Wow, one lucky night

I met someone...

I've been swept off my feet, and have not been this happy for a long time. I just hope that I don't jinx it by enjoying it this much. This guy has treated me with respect and kindness, has a great sense of humour, a great job, and I really like hanging out with him.

Tell It like It Is.....

Wireless...

I finally got a laptop and wireless connection. It needs some work but so far, I like the idea of being able to log on anywhere - mostly - to find out something I am wondering about. Maybe that isn't such a great thing. Sometimes I get so sidetracked looking for something in particular that I miss it entirely and end up finding something completely different.
It's been ages since I've been here, but it feels good to be back.
So much is changing in my life and so much still needs to change. I want so much and yet have so much that I don't want. I need more, yet have so much that I don't need - sigh.
I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks....he is really, really nice, so nice that he's driving me totally insane. Why can't I like a nice guy? He's kind, and considerate, earns a good living, is kind of arty, really creative. BUT, he's not cool. Not quite right. A nerd at heart, and very clingy. I need to dump him, but don't want to hurt his feelings, although we've only been seeing each other for a short time so dumping him now shouldn't be a heart breaking experience. I wonder if he's ever had a relationship with a woman before, in fact, I wonder if he's supposed to be gay and hasn't figured it out. I have been nasty to him, not really meaning it, but hoping he'll react with something fiery, passionate, critical. And yet, if he did, I still wouldn't want him.
I so miss the one I had and yet don't know what where we would've ended up if we'd had the chance.
Not having choices makes me crazy. Not being the one to say yay or nay drives me mad. Having control taken away from me yet not being in control is so hard to be.
Who or what the hell am I supposed to be? Is there a destiny in store for us all, or do we truly make our destiny? Pseudo control is not what I thought it would be.
Letting go doesn't get you anywhere either....sigh.
It's good to be back.
:-)