Long ago......2003
I hate being alone, Loneliness stems form an isolation from others - no real "contact". When is it "real"? What makes it real? What makes it appear so "un -real" to me?
Watching everyone last night was weird. Each person with their own consciousness yet totally unconnected and unaware of other peoples' consciousness.
So flippantly unaware, in some way - unknowingly - making infinitesmal and maybe unforgettable imprints on someone elses' mind. So innocent yet maybe eternal. Minute or gargantuan.
The looks of desperation on some of the faces. Pleading, "Don't let me end up alone!", " Pick me", "I want to feel loved, or just liked."
Self loathing doesn't arrive until morning, or in my case 2 and 1/2 years later. With a bitterness, and a feeling of being used and being a user all together. A revulsion at the re-action to self-pity - getting drunk and going to bed with whoever - then more self-pity. A viscious circle. How do I want it to end? Broken, alone, ugly, defeated. A non-achiever, a non-event, poor, reminiscent, bitter and utterly alone.
Maybe I'll end up like my Aunty Peg. 80 years old and alone. Only her brother and she had to share him with his wife!
How do I go about changing the ending?
So much has been going through my mind. How did I get here? Do I deserve it? What's wrong with me? I can't begin to think what is right with me.
All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up again. Each decision I make is the wrong one.
Staying here hasn't been the easiest or the wisest idea.
Fuck, my whole life hasn't been the easiest or the wisest fucking life.
I'm so angry, and it's all my own fault. My own responsibility for my faults. I want to die.
There's no distractions, FUCK.
I can't read forever.
I'm scared to be with myself. I have even tried to figure out how to make the noose.
I'm a fraud. Proud, indignant, confident, poised - until I'm drunk, or shaken. A fraud. A liar and an actress, who is real? Who is me? What is me? Where am I?
Consciously fucked, emotionally fucked up, with no true cause.
Can't live with my conscience - or self - I need outside distraction - inward implosion - explosion - chaos - despair - destruction - hopelessness - end this world.
So why? looking for a saviour.
No - no saviour
No miracles
You are here now
You made this
You got here
You created this
Heart and mind
You did this
You are here
No miracles
HOPELESSNESS
Overwhelming....cry
Watching everyone last night was weird. Each person with their own consciousness yet totally unconnected and unaware of other peoples' consciousness.
So flippantly unaware, in some way - unknowingly - making infinitesmal and maybe unforgettable imprints on someone elses' mind. So innocent yet maybe eternal. Minute or gargantuan.
The looks of desperation on some of the faces. Pleading, "Don't let me end up alone!", " Pick me", "I want to feel loved, or just liked."
Self loathing doesn't arrive until morning, or in my case 2 and 1/2 years later. With a bitterness, and a feeling of being used and being a user all together. A revulsion at the re-action to self-pity - getting drunk and going to bed with whoever - then more self-pity. A viscious circle. How do I want it to end? Broken, alone, ugly, defeated. A non-achiever, a non-event, poor, reminiscent, bitter and utterly alone.
Maybe I'll end up like my Aunty Peg. 80 years old and alone. Only her brother and she had to share him with his wife!
How do I go about changing the ending?
So much has been going through my mind. How did I get here? Do I deserve it? What's wrong with me? I can't begin to think what is right with me.
All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up again. Each decision I make is the wrong one.
Staying here hasn't been the easiest or the wisest idea.
Fuck, my whole life hasn't been the easiest or the wisest fucking life.
I'm so angry, and it's all my own fault. My own responsibility for my faults. I want to die.
There's no distractions, FUCK.
I can't read forever.
I'm scared to be with myself. I have even tried to figure out how to make the noose.
I'm a fraud. Proud, indignant, confident, poised - until I'm drunk, or shaken. A fraud. A liar and an actress, who is real? Who is me? What is me? Where am I?
Consciously fucked, emotionally fucked up, with no true cause.
Can't live with my conscience - or self - I need outside distraction - inward implosion - explosion - chaos - despair - destruction - hopelessness - end this world.
So why? looking for a saviour.
No - no saviour
No miracles
You are here now
You made this
You got here
You created this
Heart and mind
You did this
You are here
No miracles
HOPELESSNESS
Overwhelming....cry
posted by Movin'on at 5:57 AM
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