Up in the air...
I haven't posted because I'm supposed to be working hard at reports for the boss.
I hate reports...
I did see MCITG on Sunday, we played pool at the pub. He was pretty much Ok, if not hungover much like myself. I still don't know where it's at though, I told him that I knew where he was at, and that I didn't care, that I need someone to keep my bed warm. He smiled, and said that he's been doing a heap of thinking and that he would call me this week. I have had to call him a couple of times already this week because my computer has been going beserk, and I casually mentioned that I would like to hang out with him this weekend is he's free, and he said he wasn't sure when he was working, but didn't say no.
I wonder if maybe being pushy and straight up is the way to go with him. I just want him to know that I like hanging out with him, and want to have him as my sex slave, er, toy, er, you know what I mean.
I did a lot of thinking last night at the pub(where I go nearly every night because I just don't want to go home), and I wrote a lot of it down on a piece of paper, so I am going to ad it below, minus a few things that I am not ready to share with the general populace just yet....
Just need to be able to get the darkness out of my soul. I think that I try to be cheerful - or at least try to cheer other people up - it's kind of nice to feel like you're helping someone. Feeling needed in a way. I think that we all have an innate need to be loved, wanted, appreciated. I usually run like hell when I feel like I'm not being loved for the right reasons, and yet I want people to like me. Like having sex with someone for the intimacy, the touching, mostly it's OK - but I step over the line when I do that because I only want them to like me but end up having sex with them. I don't feel worthy of having someone like me for me when I don't like myself. Being ************************************************************************************
in the beginning it was like having a power ******. Some sort of control, I don't feel like I am in control of anything most of the time. Like when I get stressed and stop eating,after a while it's a game of control, I've stopped eating for this long, I can go a bit longer... I can see why people cut themselves - to feel the power and control. "Tully" is a book I need to read again.
Having Ian as a friend has boosted my self esteem, he seems to like me for me, makes me feel like I am worthy of being someone's friend.
I need a plan Stan!! I need to do the whole NLP - cardboard thing to figure out where I want to be. Not just aimlessly getting up each day and going through the motions. Money is a part of it, but having a "passion" a direction, some goals. Achievements? I wonder if I could write something worth reading? Like a novel or a short story. Sometimes it comes so naturally. I think I procrastinate way too much, I would need some kind of schedule - a plan Stan!
Did going off the booze help my state of mind or my health? Going off my food helped me lose those 4 kilos - hah. Like taking drugs though, speed and pot.
I could use a laptop. I want my bike - it's a freedom thing I guess. Get up and go, look and feel cool! Have the jacket and the helmet, need the wheels. (There's so many "I's" on this page)
Maybe I need to look at others - volunteering would be fulfilling - even if only for myself. Seeing the beauty is important - like when we star gazed.
Introspection can go both ways - make you depressed or give you hope.
Hope, that's another thing we crave as humans, like a "faith" in something, kinda like religion. Why am I here stuff..... I hope all those bloggers are jealous of me hanging out with Ian, he's a good person. He deserves love and fulfillment - like everyone but more so. I need to ask Elaine to come along to our next gathering.
I need to remember - life's what you make it. If I want to be all depressed and fucked up, I will be, but if I want to be happy, then I can attract it.
Maybe I could write a horror movie!
Where to expend all these ideas and thoughts - blogging is a great outlet.
I need to write all of this on it. Be honest about myself, I told Ian and he still seesm to like me - I think haha.
Would love to write one hit song and live off the royalties for the rest of my life.
Weird how that guy from RSVP still wants to meet with me, and he's really cute. Maybe it's time I got honest with myself, I want what's best for me.
I LOVE PUPPIES
I hate 80's music(not all but most of it) and I wish it would go away.
PLANS
CAR - Suspension, accelerator pedal, tune up - money will come
FLAT - To be on my own, self reliant, TICA needs some tickling - a place will come
HEALTH - Improvements, smoking, help my state of mind
LOOKS - keeping up appearances, hair, clothes, makeup - look good, feel good
FRIENDS - make the effort to call and stay in contact
TRAVEL - A proper holiday, planned, relaxing and interesting, cheap and fulfilling
HOBBIES - Sing again, knitting, maybe netball? guitar again? piano? Something.
BIKE - get bike, and then license
FREEDOM - pay the bills - Money will come
HAPPY - think happy thoughts, believe I deserve it
Believe!!!!
I hate reports...
I did see MCITG on Sunday, we played pool at the pub. He was pretty much Ok, if not hungover much like myself. I still don't know where it's at though, I told him that I knew where he was at, and that I didn't care, that I need someone to keep my bed warm. He smiled, and said that he's been doing a heap of thinking and that he would call me this week. I have had to call him a couple of times already this week because my computer has been going beserk, and I casually mentioned that I would like to hang out with him this weekend is he's free, and he said he wasn't sure when he was working, but didn't say no.
I wonder if maybe being pushy and straight up is the way to go with him. I just want him to know that I like hanging out with him, and want to have him as my sex slave, er, toy, er, you know what I mean.
I did a lot of thinking last night at the pub(where I go nearly every night because I just don't want to go home), and I wrote a lot of it down on a piece of paper, so I am going to ad it below, minus a few things that I am not ready to share with the general populace just yet....
Just need to be able to get the darkness out of my soul. I think that I try to be cheerful - or at least try to cheer other people up - it's kind of nice to feel like you're helping someone. Feeling needed in a way. I think that we all have an innate need to be loved, wanted, appreciated. I usually run like hell when I feel like I'm not being loved for the right reasons, and yet I want people to like me. Like having sex with someone for the intimacy, the touching, mostly it's OK - but I step over the line when I do that because I only want them to like me but end up having sex with them. I don't feel worthy of having someone like me for me when I don't like myself. Being ************************************************************************************
in the beginning it was like having a power ******. Some sort of control, I don't feel like I am in control of anything most of the time. Like when I get stressed and stop eating,after a while it's a game of control, I've stopped eating for this long, I can go a bit longer... I can see why people cut themselves - to feel the power and control. "Tully" is a book I need to read again.
Having Ian as a friend has boosted my self esteem, he seems to like me for me, makes me feel like I am worthy of being someone's friend.
I need a plan Stan!! I need to do the whole NLP - cardboard thing to figure out where I want to be. Not just aimlessly getting up each day and going through the motions. Money is a part of it, but having a "passion" a direction, some goals. Achievements? I wonder if I could write something worth reading? Like a novel or a short story. Sometimes it comes so naturally. I think I procrastinate way too much, I would need some kind of schedule - a plan Stan!
Did going off the booze help my state of mind or my health? Going off my food helped me lose those 4 kilos - hah. Like taking drugs though, speed and pot.
I could use a laptop. I want my bike - it's a freedom thing I guess. Get up and go, look and feel cool! Have the jacket and the helmet, need the wheels. (There's so many "I's" on this page)
Maybe I need to look at others - volunteering would be fulfilling - even if only for myself. Seeing the beauty is important - like when we star gazed.
Introspection can go both ways - make you depressed or give you hope.
Hope, that's another thing we crave as humans, like a "faith" in something, kinda like religion. Why am I here stuff..... I hope all those bloggers are jealous of me hanging out with Ian, he's a good person. He deserves love and fulfillment - like everyone but more so. I need to ask Elaine to come along to our next gathering.
I need to remember - life's what you make it. If I want to be all depressed and fucked up, I will be, but if I want to be happy, then I can attract it.
Maybe I could write a horror movie!
Where to expend all these ideas and thoughts - blogging is a great outlet.
I need to write all of this on it. Be honest about myself, I told Ian and he still seesm to like me - I think haha.
Would love to write one hit song and live off the royalties for the rest of my life.
Weird how that guy from RSVP still wants to meet with me, and he's really cute. Maybe it's time I got honest with myself, I want what's best for me.
I LOVE PUPPIES
I hate 80's music(not all but most of it) and I wish it would go away.
PLANS
CAR - Suspension, accelerator pedal, tune up - money will come
FLAT - To be on my own, self reliant, TICA needs some tickling - a place will come
HEALTH - Improvements, smoking, help my state of mind
LOOKS - keeping up appearances, hair, clothes, makeup - look good, feel good
FRIENDS - make the effort to call and stay in contact
TRAVEL - A proper holiday, planned, relaxing and interesting, cheap and fulfilling
HOBBIES - Sing again, knitting, maybe netball? guitar again? piano? Something.
BIKE - get bike, and then license
FREEDOM - pay the bills - Money will come
HAPPY - think happy thoughts, believe I deserve it
Believe!!!!
posted by Movin'on at 8:28 PM
4 Comments:
Of course I like you for you. You are a great peson and a lot of fun to be with. I'm certain there are dozens of guys out there who already see that.
Maybe you should meet that guy from RSVP - what do you have to lose?
Thank you for all those sweet things you said about me. But I'm nothing special. I'm just me.
It's true too that the pub is a really good place to think and write stream of conscious-ly (if there is such an adverb!). I find that the steady emptying of pot glasses and watching the curl of cigarette smoke from cigarettes resting in ashtrays soothing and meditative.
I like to keep a paper journal in addition to my blogging. Looking back over it reminds me of just how far I've come.
I think you have the right idea. You figure out what you want, you write it down. Picture yourself with it. Do that enough, and you'll find that you're making the decisions that lead to making those things real.
There's also a lot of confusion in the world about wording. Is it an affair, is it just sex, is it recreation? What do you call it, when it's not going anywhere? What can you call it, when you don't want to offend the other person? I came up with a term a few years ago that fits beautifully, both the situation and your job. Call it outsourcing. It eliminated awkwardness when people ask how you know each other.
Thank you. I'd love to come to karaoke with you.
Email me...
Only provisos:
1. I am a truly, truly terrible singer*. No joke or false modesty.
2. I may need a bit of encouragement via the alcohol and moral support to sing.
*when I say this I mean really bad. You will think I'm tone deaf (I'm not).
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