Sinking slowly..........

I have a huge black eye - I did it to myself by smacking my head on the wall in my room - not even on purpose - and it's all swollen and blue and yellow.
My hearts bruised, MCITG dumped me - again - yesterday. He can't get over the guilt. He seems to think that having sex with me is somehow betraying the MARRIED chick. I mean she's married. It seems that he told her about me and she got jealous. She won't leave her husband for him, but he's not allowed to have a life of his own.
I couldn't help myself, I lost it and told him how selfish this bitch is. I told him that he deserves to be happy, and if she won't help him with that, then she doesn't truly care about him. I told him to go to her and tell her that he wants to marry her, and see if she'll leave her husband for him. I told him that he shouldn't have to wait for happiness, I told him that I'm not gonna give up on our friendship because some chick is jealous. I told him I thought she was using him, and that I am here for him if he wants to talk.
Then I walked inside, shut the door, and howled. I paced and cursed and screamed and then I simply lay on my bed shaking and howling - knowing that there was no one in this entire world that really gives a shit. I cut myself too, just to see blood flow, make the pain a tangible visual thing.
I think I am truly insane and don't know what to do. Each day I pretend to be Ok, coping with everything, and each day I get further into the blackness that is engulfing me, enveloping me, smothering me. It's like a quick sand, it's easier to not struggle against it. Like letting go of a raft that you've been clinging to in the middle of the ocean, and sinking slowly into the water because you're just too tired to hold on anymore.
I'm tired, too tired, I can't hang on much longer, and I'm not sure I want to, I want nothingness.

What's happening to me........

I feel like I've totally lost it now, I've been lying in my bed for an hour trembling, a huge knot in my gut, like I'm waiting for something to happen and I'm terrified of whatever that might be.
Thoughts tumbling through my consciouness, yet none that I can truly comprehend. What's happening to me?
I am shaking inside and out......I want sanity.

Tell It like It Is.....

Where to from here?
Like the song says, do I stay or do I go now.
I almost got fired yesterday. I am a right bitch to live with, and a right bitch to work with.
I have been told. A weeks annual leave, well really 9 days annual leave, time off to find myself somewhere to live, and to think about whether I want to continue to work where I work. I have pages of thoughts to write here, but my most pressing dilemma is what to do about now.
I have no idea if I want to continue working for my BBB, but I do know that I can't live with him if I work there.
I am drunk now, but have been drunk for a lot of my life, and no sobriety has made any decisions easier. If I get fired, I have again made sure that I fail. The only sure thing in my life so far, is that I fail. I can fail at anything, that's kind of comforting. It means that if I try to die, then maybe I will fail.
Is there other people out there that think about killing themselves every minute of every day as much as I do? The best way is to slice through the artery in the leg, there's no going back from there.
This damn curser is blinking at me like I have something else to add, there's nothing else, I want to die. I don't want to live. I fucking don't see the point.
Thanks for reading, if I wake up tomorrow, it's a good day, because I haven't yet done what I am destined to do. I see it as my destiny, because I am fucked if I can see any reason to postpone the inevitable.
I just hope it makes the papers............

The music follow on....

Ok, Ian nominated me for this.

The total volume of music files on my computer: Easy, I don't own a computer, so it's none. But, if I were to put the total volume of music files on the work server, it's more than 25GB.
The last CD I bought was Jeff Lang - Cedar Grove - I passed it on to a friend. But the last CD I acquired was The Killers - I haven't played it yet.
There are no songs playing in my area, I have no speakers on my computer. I had a radio once, but BBB took it away.
Five Songs I listen to, is a really hard one to answer. I can't say I have the same favourite songs all year round.
Anything from the Cedar Grove album
Anything from Pearl Jam
Fairies Wear Boots - Black Sabbath
Only Women Bleed/Welcome to My Nightmare - Alice Cooper
Me & Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin

A new lease on life.....

All I've been doing lately is wallowing in my own self pity. I can't seem to see past my own misery to get on with life. Now, I could do the whole turn over a new leaf spiel here, and a couple of late New Years Resolutions - OK really late - OK, mid year - but I won't, because if I wrote them here, then someone is bound to ask me how it's all going, and I am going to feel so much like a loser again. I procrastinate so much. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
I find it hard to get motivated. I go to the gym three night a week(I'm not good with the morning sessions) with a personal trainer, and there are only tow things motivating me to go there regularly. One is that I am not paying for it. If I miss a session, and don't give a full 12 hours notice, it has to be paid for. I get these sessions as a bonus from my boss, the gym is even in the building I work in. I have figured that to get out of work on time, and to get rid of most of my pent up anger, I make the sessions for 5:30pm. As the boss pays for these sessions, he can't argue when I dash out the door - "Going to the gym, bye" - because he knows he will end up paying for it if I don't make it there. I also don't have the either the number for the gym, or for the trainer, I can't call them and just cancel a session because I don't feel like it, or because I got on the piss and don't feel too healthy. But, number two, and the best motivation for the gym is not my (supposed) health benefits, nor is it the money that I know the boss(I think from now on I can definitely call him Big Brother Boss) is spending on them. My biggest motivation for the gym is that I can bench more than BBB, I can leg press more than BBB, and I get big biceps in a very short time which is the only reason BBB ever goes to the gym, and he's never had the slightest bulge. It's revenge, and if I never do anything else to surpass the perfection of BBB, I know that I am a chick, and I am a hell of a lot stronger than he is.
Hah!

My local....

Is it pathetic if all the staff at the pub you hang out at know your name, and you know(and remember) all of theirs?
I got drunk at the pub - the one just down the road from where I live - last night, and stumbled safely home about midnight. An this guy was trying really hard to pick me up, I was drinking beers at the bar with him. I kept saying "We're only here to drink beer", and staying firmly out of the personal space areas, and he was still trying. I thought it was funny, because in no way did I encourage him, or say anything that would let him think that I was interested in him at all.
I think that there are a lot of lonely people in this world.

MCITG - update
We have reached an understanding......and I can beat him at pool at least once in a couple of hours.

KARAOKE - Next Saturday night I am free - does this sound OK for everyone? It will be a fun night and there is NO pressure to sing if you don't want to.

Round and round and round

Is there a beginning and an end? Or does it all just go around and around, cycles, the merry-go-round of existence? Without up, there would be no down. No heaven, no hell. Balance - happy mediums. What makes it all worth while? The short periods of happiness? Do I deserve to be up when there are so many that are down? Again I am struggling to find the good to look for. Is it easier to play "poor me"?

Now......again.....

19/05/05
Well, I've got a book, now I just have to remember the pen.

I had a really nice time tonight with Ian - we have fun - he complimented me in a back handed way - he said it's nice to hang out with a blokey chick...it's funny.
Where to form here? Like the song says - do I stay or do I go now?
The city - you see so many displaced people - they have nowhere to be and nowhere to go. Unemployable - sick, old, infirm, homeless, emotionally bruised, physically battered, at the end and yet they still manage to survive. On handouts, on welfare, leftovers, stealing, begging.
So many thoughts, who really cares? Where do they fit in?I don't feel like I fit anywhere, but what about them? Do they have someone to care about? Someone to care about them? I don't like the city because I can see "them" - it's "us" and "them".

Thanks is an important word. Not enough people say it - say it with meaning - say it ever.

I could spend all day and night writing random thought down.

"Stale cigarettes, cheap perfume, and beer"

looking at my reflection
In the window of the tram
More introspection
Of who and where I am
Going to the city
To see a friend
Look at the people around me
And wondering who gives a damn
About the homeless, the displaced,
The lonely
The people worse off than me
But they're not in my head
So who's to say?

Here I am, cheap perfume,
stale cigarettes, and beer
Thoughts floating around
In my brain
Look over there,
see the pretty - the beauty
Take time out to really see
Forget about the pain

Long ago......2003

I hate being alone, Loneliness stems form an isolation from others - no real "contact". When is it "real"? What makes it real? What makes it appear so "un -real" to me?
Watching everyone last night was weird. Each person with their own consciousness yet totally unconnected and unaware of other peoples' consciousness.
So flippantly unaware, in some way - unknowingly - making infinitesmal and maybe unforgettable imprints on someone elses' mind. So innocent yet maybe eternal. Minute or gargantuan.
The looks of desperation on some of the faces. Pleading, "Don't let me end up alone!", " Pick me", "I want to feel loved, or just liked."
Self loathing doesn't arrive until morning, or in my case 2 and 1/2 years later. With a bitterness, and a feeling of being used and being a user all together. A revulsion at the re-action to self-pity - getting drunk and going to bed with whoever - then more self-pity. A viscious circle. How do I want it to end? Broken, alone, ugly, defeated. A non-achiever, a non-event, poor, reminiscent, bitter and utterly alone.
Maybe I'll end up like my Aunty Peg. 80 years old and alone. Only her brother and she had to share him with his wife!
How do I go about changing the ending?


So much has been going through my mind. How did I get here? Do I deserve it? What's wrong with me? I can't begin to think what is right with me.
All I want is to go to sleep and never wake up again. Each decision I make is the wrong one.
Staying here hasn't been the easiest or the wisest idea.
Fuck, my whole life hasn't been the easiest or the wisest fucking life.
I'm so angry, and it's all my own fault. My own responsibility for my faults. I want to die.

There's no distractions, FUCK.
I can't read forever.
I'm scared to be with myself. I have even tried to figure out how to make the noose.
I'm a fraud. Proud, indignant, confident, poised - until I'm drunk, or shaken. A fraud. A liar and an actress, who is real? Who is me? What is me? Where am I?
Consciously fucked, emotionally fucked up, with no true cause.
Can't live with my conscience - or self - I need outside distraction - inward implosion - explosion - chaos - despair - destruction - hopelessness - end this world.

So why? looking for a saviour.

No - no saviour
No miracles
You are here now
You made this
You got here
You created this
Heart and mind
You did this
You are here
No miracles
HOPELESSNESS
Overwhelming....cry

Up in the air...

I haven't posted because I'm supposed to be working hard at reports for the boss.

I hate reports...

I did see MCITG on Sunday, we played pool at the pub. He was pretty much Ok, if not hungover much like myself. I still don't know where it's at though, I told him that I knew where he was at, and that I didn't care, that I need someone to keep my bed warm. He smiled, and said that he's been doing a heap of thinking and that he would call me this week. I have had to call him a couple of times already this week because my computer has been going beserk, and I casually mentioned that I would like to hang out with him this weekend is he's free, and he said he wasn't sure when he was working, but didn't say no.
I wonder if maybe being pushy and straight up is the way to go with him. I just want him to know that I like hanging out with him, and want to have him as my sex slave, er, toy, er, you know what I mean.

I did a lot of thinking last night at the pub(where I go nearly every night because I just don't want to go home), and I wrote a lot of it down on a piece of paper, so I am going to ad it below, minus a few things that I am not ready to share with the general populace just yet....

Just need to be able to get the darkness out of my soul. I think that I try to be cheerful - or at least try to cheer other people up - it's kind of nice to feel like you're helping someone. Feeling needed in a way. I think that we all have an innate need to be loved, wanted, appreciated. I usually run like hell when I feel like I'm not being loved for the right reasons, and yet I want people to like me. Like having sex with someone for the intimacy, the touching, mostly it's OK - but I step over the line when I do that because I only want them to like me but end up having sex with them. I don't feel worthy of having someone like me for me when I don't like myself. Being ************************************************************************************
in the beginning it was like having a power ******. Some sort of control, I don't feel like I am in control of anything most of the time. Like when I get stressed and stop eating,after a while it's a game of control, I've stopped eating for this long, I can go a bit longer... I can see why people cut themselves - to feel the power and control. "Tully" is a book I need to read again.
Having Ian as a friend has boosted my self esteem, he seems to like me for me, makes me feel like I am worthy of being someone's friend.
I need a plan Stan!! I need to do the whole NLP - cardboard thing to figure out where I want to be. Not just aimlessly getting up each day and going through the motions. Money is a part of it, but having a "passion" a direction, some goals. Achievements? I wonder if I could write something worth reading? Like a novel or a short story. Sometimes it comes so naturally. I think I procrastinate way too much, I would need some kind of schedule - a plan Stan!
Did going off the booze help my state of mind or my health? Going off my food helped me lose those 4 kilos - hah. Like taking drugs though, speed and pot.
I could use a laptop. I want my bike - it's a freedom thing I guess. Get up and go, look and feel cool! Have the jacket and the helmet, need the wheels. (There's so many "I's" on this page)
Maybe I need to look at others - volunteering would be fulfilling - even if only for myself. Seeing the beauty is important - like when we star gazed.
Introspection can go both ways - make you depressed or give you hope.
Hope, that's another thing we crave as humans, like a "faith" in something, kinda like religion. Why am I here stuff..... I hope all those bloggers are jealous of me hanging out with Ian, he's a good person. He deserves love and fulfillment - like everyone but more so. I need to ask Elaine to come along to our next gathering.
I need to remember - life's what you make it. If I want to be all depressed and fucked up, I will be, but if I want to be happy, then I can attract it.
Maybe I could write a horror movie!
Where to expend all these ideas and thoughts - blogging is a great outlet.
I need to write all of this on it. Be honest about myself, I told Ian and he still seesm to like me - I think haha.
Would love to write one hit song and live off the royalties for the rest of my life.
Weird how that guy from RSVP still wants to meet with me, and he's really cute. Maybe it's time I got honest with myself, I want what's best for me.
I LOVE PUPPIES
I hate 80's music(not all but most of it) and I wish it would go away.

PLANS
CAR - Suspension, accelerator pedal, tune up - money will come
FLAT - To be on my own, self reliant, TICA needs some tickling - a place will come
HEALTH - Improvements, smoking, help my state of mind
LOOKS - keeping up appearances, hair, clothes, makeup - look good, feel good
FRIENDS - make the effort to call and stay in contact
TRAVEL - A proper holiday, planned, relaxing and interesting, cheap and fulfilling
HOBBIES - Sing again, knitting, maybe netball? guitar again? piano? Something.
BIKE - get bike, and then license
FREEDOM - pay the bills - Money will come
HAPPY - think happy thoughts, believe I deserve it

Believe!!!!

Well, here I am at work on a Saturday, waiting for an electrician that didn't show. It is actually a really nice day outside, but I've missed the most of it, waiting, waiting, waiting....
I am surprisingly feeling a little more on the up side today. That will all change tomorrow, I am going to hang out with MCITG.
After telling me he wanted to cool it, "to get his shit together", I got the full story out of him.
It seems that his heart belongs to another, about which there is nothing I can do. He felt guilty having fun with me, because he wanted to be with someone else. He is still in contact with this someone else, although I am not sure whether or not he is sleeping with her. The catch - wait for it - is that she is married. He has been with her on and off for over 5 years, she tells him that she has a separate bedroom from her husband (don't they all - rolls eyes in disgust) and that she wants him to move on and be happy. He actually said that he may be waiting for her for another 25 years.
Now, how I feel about this is weird. I am sad that I don't have this effect in him(or anybody). I am angry that I got second best and that I didn't get told the full story from the beginning - then at least I could have walked away before I got involved. I am really pissed that a woman could steal over 5 years from a beautiful and sensitive guy like him to keep him on a leash for her own benefit. If you're married, you either leave your spouse if you're not happy, or you kill them. I told him that I thought she was selfish not to walk away.
I am going to ask him why she hasn't left her husband to be with him if she loves him as much as he thinks. This may not be the best way to keep his friendship - which I am adult enough to do - but at least I will be able to hear what excuses a married woman comes up with to keep her lover in line.
How selfish can someone be, to keep someone hanging on like that for so long? Fuck, if your life is miserable, either deal with it or kill yourself, why drag someone else through all that shit and put them through hell? MCITG is a really sensitive person, I know that sounds lame, but this stuff is making him physically ill. When I spoke to him the other day, he was shaking harder than I was - and for anyone, let alone a guy, that's tough.
What makes you wait around while someone screws your life over?
Geez, I get more depressed and think about killing myself more than the average person, but that's mostly because I make a lot of stupid mistakes, I bring it on myself. I don't let other people bring me down like that, why should I? I am better at putting myself down than anyone I know.
Why do we not look for the happiness that is attainable?
Why do we want what we can't have?
Why do we believe such lies?

On another note, I am going to cheer up my friend Ian - says she from the melodramatic hell of her world - because he deserves it.

Poetry

Here below are some of my favourite poets poems, and a lot of my own.




The Parting

Since there's no help, come let us kiss and part.
Nay, I have done, you get no more of me,
And I am glad, yea, glad with all my heart,
That so cleanly I myself can free,
Shake hands forever, cancel all our vows,
And when we meet at any time again,
Be it not seen in any of our brows
That we one jot of former love retain.
Now at the last gasp of love's latest breath,
When, his pulse failing, Passion speechless lies,
When faith is kneeling by his bed of death,
And Innocence is closing up his eyes,
Now if thou wouldst, when all have given him over,
From death to life thou mights him yet recover

Michael Drayton



Sonnet CXVI

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediment. Love is not love
Which alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Times fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error, and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Shakespeare


Sonnet XXIX

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state,
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
and look upon myself, and curse my fate,
Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,
Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising -
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven' gate:
For thy sweet love's rememeb'red such waelth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Shakespeare



Take, O Take
(from "Measure to Measure")

Take, O take those lips away,
That so sweetly were forsworn,
And those eyes, the break of day,
Lights that do mislead the morn;
But my kisses bring again,
bring again,
Seals of love, but sealed in vain,
sealed in vain.

Shakespeare


The Warning

The haze lifts, and now I see
So clearly the direction I must take,
No more shall I blindly stumble
Along the path of life.
No more shall I bear the brunt
Of people mocking my worthless life,
No more shall I hide away
And try feebly to shun
The consequences of my past,
Though for the future
I will not live.
For once the future becomes present
it then becomes past,
And the past is used against me
So as the extremest extent of misery
Is my experience.
No, I will not live for the future,
I will not live for the present,
I will not live.......
I will not live.


This one above of mine as is the rest


Death and suffering
It's all I see
How can I help
When no one trusts me?
My feeble cries
Are never heard
Above the shouts
Of this revolutionary world
The answer will not come
From peace through death.
The suffering won't stop
Through mindless threats


Misty eyed and reminiscent,
depression sweeps over me
Like a huge black cloud
With no end.
The warming liquid I cling to
Brings only relief from life.
Nothing inhibits my actions now.
Only tomorrow can tell if they are right,
Or wrong.
But maybe tonight I'll be free,
Maybe tonight I won't have to
Experience the trauma of tomorrow.
(Nothing inhibits my actions now)
Maybe there'll be no tomorrow.
No
tomorrow.........






When I peer over the edge
Of that deep ravine
And look death in the face,
Fear grips and yet enthralls me.
Escape!
Realease; from this destructive life
Freedom; from the ravages of human nature
Peace; with one's self.
Finally, away from the torment
And emotional savagery destroying my life.
When death beckons
I will not hesitate to follow


What's life to a no one?
What's love? to one never loved?
When death looms over the doorstep
And leers like a drunken man,
It's almost heaven
To accept his proposition.
Too often I am tempted
By his beckoning finger,
Too often I am lured
By the bliss of eternal life,
By the ethereal completeness of death.
Maybe one day I'll accept his offer,
maybe one day I'll sleep forever
Maybe
tomorrow!



"Pour out your problems to me" I said,
and he did
"It can make you feel better" I said,
And it did.
" I hope to do the same for you someday" he said,
As he agonisingly twisted the knife of betrayal
In my back.



Unlearned and unskilled
Wandering toward the end of existence
Resisting challenge after challenge,
defeat is all powerful.



Each time you leave,
you take with you
A little bit more of my heart.
And it causes just that little bit more pain.
Adding to that great abyss
Which used to be my soul.
My eyes ache to see you
My heart aches to hold you
My body aches to have you
Yet my mind knows I've lost you.
Still the hurt lingers on.
even though I know that you're gone


Here, alone again; still
All I can do is think of you.
Of how much the time we spent together means to me
Of how you'll forget me.
And how someone else will be the centre of your attentions
And of how much that hurts.



Loneliness is a cancer
it starts as just one cell
then multiplies until
It ends up killing you



I dreamt of you last night.
Of magical moments, beautiful music,
Moonlit balconies, sparkling wine,
But it was sad
It was only a dream.




Now is the right time
And it worked yesterday too.
Yet while time stands still for us now
Tomorrow may be eons different
Fortunately tomorrow is light years away.



I play the game so beware!
I've played it for a while now
And I only play to win.


My feeble noises can't even be heard
Should someone be calling to you? How absurd.
All I wanted to do was help. Don't you know?
I cared so deeply I couldn't let it show.
You pushed me aside and stumbled right in
To a world full of danger, excitement and sin.
Now all that is left is a box in the ground
And a plaque that I visit,
to mark that dirt mound.



Words are my heartfelt truths,
the demons of my soul
Are freed to be real,
but their reality is only my imagination,
their cage, my courage -
Or lack of it -
ink does not make anything more real
than it already is
in my head.
or any less.
But my words are heartfelt truths.



How do I be so insane and so clear headed all at the same time? I need a pupose for living, survival depends on passion.
Drugs and alcohol help to fog up my brain enough to not care either way. I need to feel like that all of the time; but it is physically - bodily - inpossible to maintain this state for any length of time, so if I take that path (and it's a conscious decision to take that path) how long? Do I just degenerate into a sub/superhumen drug addict with no self respect except for the need to fill the craving? The craving for passion/happiness - even death - gives way to the desperate, constant need for the chemical that fills my veins. That which wipes my memory of all "human" things that matter - feelings, relationships, memories, civilisation - wipes that PAIN!
A conscious decision to make.
Wow, how do you seriously get that thought in your head? Seriously, though?
Do you have to go to that state? Can you create a facade that will disguise/cover the addiction?
Would it be any harder than disguising that pain and desperation that I have to deal with now?



This was a real dream that I tried to write as a poem

The other night I was awoken
Rain poured down outside
Thunder rumbled, lightning flashed.
But someone, something woke me
I was laughing, I was happy
to feel...... (who?) wake me was glorious
Where have you been?
Why wake me?
Why not keep me happy in daylight too?
I liked it.
I don't know who, (I suspect it was you) but I didn't care
I liked it!
Come again soon
Don't scare me but wake me in frolic
In fun,
Where have you been?
Why can't I find you?

The last one was about a lover of mine that died unexpectedly and I have never forgotten and have always wondered about where we would be now.

I don't really know if anyone out there is reading any of this(beside Ian - my friend XXX) but I have been feeling this fucked up in my head for so long now that I don't know any other way to feel. is there no end to my misery? Will I ever not cry alone at night?

You need to know......

I need to tell the whole world that I have the most amazing new friend. He is warm, extremely funny, fantastically clever, and universally loved all over the world. His name is Ian.
He accompanied me to a party in the country last weekend, where he had experiences he has never had before. He met my parents,(which totally shocked him), saw the house where I grew up, saw the town I grew up in, and listened to me talk for 4 hours - both ways - whilst we drove, lay down on a blanket at 3:30am and looked up at the stars with me for an hour in the freezing cold, and had tequila with me.
I can not thank him enough for being there with me, for I am at yet another bad place in my head and he saved me from myself for the weekend.
Thank you, my friend, I hope to be able to return the favour for you one day.

The round about that I exist on............

From ten years ago.......

What am I doing?
I have done it again, gotten myself on that emotional roundabout where all that matters is that He calls.
I don't think that I'll ever learn. I hate myself for it too. I need to be needed. Need! Want! I can't live forever doing this to myself. Why did Nick have to die? How do I get off? My will to live seems to fade so quickly when I don't have a man. I will never learn, I hate myself. I hate being so fucking lonely, I hate knowing that I did this to myself. Why? What does it all mean? When do I find out? I am a sucker.
Can I get off? How can I be so rational about all this and not know how to get off?
He isn't coming back. You got sucked in again,. You fucking fool!
Do I go on hating myself or do I do something about it?



Do I let my heart
or my head?
I want to let my head
But am reluctant.
The joy and anticipation I feel
Is like an old friend
coming back to stay
And yet the knowledge of
Real life
Pain
Injustice
Solitude
loneliness
(Such a long way to fall
even though I am nearly at the bottom now)
Is a forbidding reminder.
Retreat, protect yourself.
Cool, nonchalant, hidden.
Don't invite it, beat it
At it's own game
Is it any wonder
That I'm lonely?
Yet not always alone.


Just look back now
You're sure to see
How all things happen
Naturally
You go where you like,
Sometimes you like where you go
But where you'll end up
Destiny knows

So when you've lost your way
And you're going through hell
Don't worry about it
You never can tell
Maybe it will
Maybe it won't
Whether you do
Or whether you don't
It's not your choice
Leave it all up to fate



It's all a game of chance
Anyone can play
Just wake up and smell the flowers
Every given day

You think that you know
Where you're gonna be
You've made your plans
All so carefully
But don't be sad
When in years to pass
If everything seems
To have gone too fast

Life goes up, life goes down.......

I am on a real downer at the moment. I just feel like giving in. I get like this when I go through any sort of crisis, big or small. The runaway instinct is hurting me badly, and when I'm trapped, like now, I go to the other extreme, and I want to hurt myself.
I predict that I will have a cold sore in the next couple of days, I will lose about 5 k's in the next two weeks, and I will be fighting big time with the boss. On top of that, I'll start drinking heavily again, and be smoking a hell of a lot of cigarettes and pot.
I think it's a form of self abuse. I get what I deserve.

I should have known it was coming.............

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck.
That's another one that bites the dust. MCITG called to break up with me this morning. I kinda felt something like this would happen. He had an "old friend" come to stay with him and I am surmising that it is an old girlfriend and he's gotten back with her. I realise that it is only speculation, but it was girl, and he has broken up with me, so, I am jumping to the only conclusion a hurt and confused girl would.
Sad, and will get sadder. I was really having fun with this guy. He made me laugh and I thought we had a lot in common.
I always manage to fuck things up.
Will hit another low point for a while now. Already have started throwing up.
Each time I promise myself
That this time I won't care
Each time I try to steel my heart
Get ready, to prepare
This time I won't let him in
This time I'll take it slow
This time I'll be nonchalant
Not let my feelings show
This time I will walk away
With my soul intact
This time I will see what's real
What's true, only the facts
I'll not fool myself, I'll get the gist
Keep my felings in reserve
Then fate steps in and what do you know?
I get what I deserve
What follows is self loathing
Reproach and black despair
Another long struggle back
To a place where I don't care
I've had enough, it's got to stop
I can't take it anymore
No home, no life, no sex, or friends
Each time I end up like before
It's getting harder everytime
To climb out of this abyss
I should just stay there, lonely, alone
There's nothing I"m going to miss